Giving Too Much of Yourself
This article is the opinion of the writer. It is for general informational purposes only. It does not constitute individual therapeutic advice.
Can you be too selfless?
Selflessness is the quality of putting the needs of others in front of your own. In many contexts, giving of yourself can be a good thing. Cultures and religions around the world value selflessness. This usually comes from good intentions. When we value the needs of others, we usually contribute to the wellbeing of our communities. These communities can include our families, neighborhoods, or even our global society.
It is likely that society has rewarded you for being selfless before. People have thanked or praised you when you've sacrificed for the greater good. This could lead you to make similar decisions in the future.
Sometimes, people are selfless because it is their best chance for social survival. Because humans are social creatures, we need to be able to network with other people. When we are all alone, physical survival may be much harder. We may struggle to make financial ends meet. These sorts of issues can lead to depression and other mental health struggles. To avoid these difficulties, people usually try to stay connected with their communities. Generosity can be a rewarding way to enhance our networks.
Yet, being selfless can have its drawbacks. It can lead us to struggle with mental health issues. Perhaps we don’t give ourselves permission to access the resources we need.
Maybe you are selfless because it feels dangerous to value yourself. This can be a sign that your environment is toxic. If you give too much of yourself, then you may lose the strength to support other people. You may find yourself in a cycle of not having enough time or energy.
Giving too much of yourself can show up in several areas of your life. In this post, we will explore how it can disrupt both your professional and personal lives.
Giving too much of yourself at work
Self-sacrifice at work has been a hot topic lately. Social media posts and news articles about “quiet quitting” are popping up all the time now. The COVID-19 pandemic led many people to reassess their professional values and boundaries.
How do you know if you’re giving too much of yourself at work? One way is to check in with your mental health. You might be experiencing symptoms like in the following list:
Anxiety before starting a work shift
Difficulty concentrating on tasks
Difficulty letting go of work problems during the weekend
Difficulty sleeping
Feelings of depression or low self-worth
Irritation or feeling “on edge”
Resentment toward yourself or coworkers
These are only a few examples of how working too much can affect your mental health. If your work is contributing to these symptoms, it may be because of a lack of boundaries around work. If you are being asked to do more than you are capable of doing, this can be a problem. Also, if you are working in an unsupportive environment, these symptoms can persist.
You might also want to check in with your values. Do you work for a company that shares your values? Do you believe in its mission statement? Do you agree with the workplace culture? How do you relate to your coworkers? These are all questions you can ask yourself.
Sometimes the issues of values and boundaries intersect. This can happen when we experience values forced upon us. Let's say you have a boss who expects you to share their political views. This can feel very uncomfortable. Pretending to share someone else’s worldview can be emotionally draining.
Giving too much of yourself in a friendship
Personal boundaries can look a bit different than professional boundaries. Usually we are much more open with friends than with coworkers. But this doesn’t mean that we take better care of ourselves in these relationships.
In fact, it may be much harder to exercise our boundaries in personal relationships. Friendships don’t usually have rules and human resource departments like workplaces do. You may have friends who expect you to share all their values and interests.
Sometimes our friends have trouble respecting our time. They may expect us to always be available when they need emotional support. It’s possible that you are not bothered by providing support to your friends. There’s even a good chance you enjoy being supportive. If your friends don’t reciprocate at all, though, this may be a problem. It can lead you to feel resentment toward them.
Much like unhealthy work environments, unhealthy friendships can damage our mental health. Here are some symptoms you might experience if you give too much of yourself in your friendships:
Anxiety before talking to or seeing certain friends
Difficulty engaging in daily self-care tasks like sleeping, studying, or showering
Difficulty staying present with friends
Feeling bad about yourself after spending time with friends
Resentment toward yourself or friends
These are only a few examples of how uneven, or demanding, friendships can affect us. If you experience these symptoms, consider speaking with a relationship counselor. A therapist can help you develop an understanding of your needs. Therapy can also help you create strategies for improving boundaries with your friends.
Even if you want to do counseling, the next section will provide a few self-help steps.
How to stop giving too much of yourself
Let’s say you’ve identified that you give too much of your time or energy to other people. Now might be the time to make some changes. Here are some suggestions for addressing your own needs and improving your relationships:
Determine your own needs. Do you get enough sleep? Do you get emotional support when times are tough? Have you been feeling good about yourself lately? Are you making enough money to support yourself? Do you have time during the week to have fun and relax? Think about what’s missing in your life, and how you’re sacrificing those things for other people.
Determine what you would like your boundaries to be. Think about boundaries around time, money, emotions, beliefs, and physical touch. Be as specific as you can. For example, how much money would you be willing to lend to a friend in need? Some self-sacrifice may be worthwhile, whereas too much may be damaging.
Ask yourself if you have tried setting these boundaries before. Maybe you’ve known what your boundaries are, but have never explicitly stated them out loud. If you have asked for these boundaries before, how did the other person respond?
Determine your communication boundaries with specific people. Some people may be trustworthy enough to respect your boundaries. Other people might turn those conversations around on you. How you interact with one person does not have to be the exact same with everyone else. Don’t be afraid to pay attention to context.
Ask a neutral third-party to be present for boundary conversations. At work, this can be a human resources manager or someone from another department. In personal relationships, maybe it’s a mutual friend. Try to find someone you trust to remain unbiased, and to keep the conversation civil.
Remain open to feedback. It’s possible you have contributed to the situation in some way. Try to be non-defensive about any requests made to you. You can still assess these requests within the parameters of your own boundaries.
Consider abandoning the relationship. Sometimes you won’t be able to find a middle ground between your needs and the needs of someone else. You may need to spend less time with this person. You may need to quit your job and find a better work environment elsewhere. This does not have to be a harsh or malicious change. If you have to make a change like this, see if you can do so with kindness, dignity, or respect. There may also be times when you find it necessary to express your anger about the situation on your way out.
Engage in self-care activities after making other changes. Difficult conversations and boundary changes can be exhausting. Have fun, take care of your body, or distract yourself from stress. These types of activities are usually the point of reclaiming your time and energy. Don’t be afraid to reward yourself for taking up space.
Thanks to the SAGE skill from RO-DBT, which inspired some of these steps.
These suggestions do not have to occur in the above order. You also might be able to use one or two suggestions without using them all. They are also, of course, easier said than done.
If these changes sound too difficult, consider working with a psychotherapist. Counseling can help you identify your obstacles and strategies to work through them.
If you’re seeking more support for career or relationship issues, I may be able to help. Feel free to contact me and schedule a free phone consultation to see if we’re a good fit.